Grieving for a departed husband is no walk in the park. But a walk in the park helps.
I’d been unsure how I’d feel when I returned to Paris after Charlie’s passing. We’d lived here full-time for 27 years, and only transferred to the U.S. because the advanced cancer treatment he needed was not available here. For more than two years, I’d been largely absent from my adopted home.
Would my grief worsen when I saw all the landmarks from our past life? Or would Paris be a comfort, a succor?
Jet lag didn’t help answer the question. Nor did the usual grim trudge from the plane to the shuttle train to the immigration line to the baggage carrousel. And I made a mistake: I lazily gave up my plan to take the RER (my suitcase was small) into town. The taxi took more than an hour of starting, stopping and fumes.
After an unhappy nap and a happy croissant, I decided to take a walk. It was a warm day—the last, it turned out—and I headed for the Parc Monceau.
I have always loved this little jewel. From its inception in 1778, Phillippe d’Orléans, Duke of Chartres, intended it to resemble an English garden. Thanks to designer Louis de Carmontelle and numerous rehabs over the years, it boasts winding paths, a multi-columned Corinthian colonnade around a pond and many other decorations. The randomness would have been enough to send André Le Nôtre, designer of the shaved and symmetrical gardens of Versailles, around the bend if he’d still been alive.
Charlie loved it too, though he sometimes complained about the 20-minute walk to get there.
Comfort food was in order. I ordered my first crèpe beurre sucre in 20 years from the refreshment stand and sat down on a bench facing the merry-go-round.
The two ladies sharing a bench with me were talking to each other. One was elderly and the other appeared to be her caregiver.
“Now this (unintelligible word) is how you say it in Spanish,” said the caregiver.
“I had no idea,” the older lady responded. “How interesting!” I couldn’t resist a photo as they walked away.
Crepe finished, I strolled around the park. One of the delights of Parc Monceau is how many surprises it displays every time. New seasonal flower arrangements, for instance; these clearly are for the fall. Note the charming rock stairway, behind a fence so that no one can actually use it.
Everywhere in the park I saw young couples sitting on their jackets on the grass, junior-high-school children playing soccer (there’s a bilingual school nearby) and old couples walking hand-in-hand. That got me.
I saw a fallen tree I’d never noticed before. It wasn’t hard to choose whether to go under rather than over.
The park had a new feature: a big espace canin, tucked into the big field just off the main alley. Unlike in a lot of Paris dog parks, these users were doing zoomies.
I left by the temple-like domed building on the north side, used as a tollgate by the government from 1785 to 1793.
I’ve had no trouble ignoring the fact that France is a mess these days. High-schoolers are demonstrating for decent learning conditions, and rightly so. Government finances are so bad that France faces a choice between defaulting or severely cutting spending. Fishermen are blocking ports to protest high diesel costs as public-sector workers join the students to stave off cuts. The health-care system, once the best in the world, is highly stressed. And the far-right Marine Le Pen of the National Rally party may well win the presidency next year.
Yesterday, as many as 800,000 people demonstrated across France. Most were peaceful, though the casseurs (breakers) seemed to do more damage than usual. A police official on the BFM news channel blamed it on bad deployment of anti-riot resources. The guys in suits didn’t know how to manage the guys in uniforms, he said.
I’m focused on finding cheery sights. A musician in the Métro, for instance.
Affection amidst the traffic. My father, who loved taking photos of Parisians, would have adored this one.
Botany on the bus. I hope that man is more enthusiastic about his plant than he looks.
And the outfits people wear for a walk in the park, in this case the Champ de Mars.
Charlie would have especially liked this one. Taken five minutes’ away from the American Library in Paris, which he directed for 10 years, it would have appealed to his enduring love for the oddball.
Beautiful article, Anne. I hope Paris continues to provide sights that cheer you up after the loss of dear Charlie. “Courage,” as the French say.
Merci!
Dearest Anne, I have always admired you and your stories and photographs. None has so deeply touched me as this one. I’m so very sorry about your love, Charlie. My heart breaks for you.. Peace be with you.
How kind, thank you Karen.
Ma chère Anne, tout ce que tu écris est nourri d’amour. Pour Charlie , bien sûr,, puisqu’il t’accompagne en douceur quand te retournes dans des lieux aimés de vous; et pour votre ville d’adoption, que tu fais vivre si bien par le regard que tu poses sur elle. J’espère te voir bientôt.
Merci pour tes gentils propos, cher Denis. A bientot indeed.
Welcome home, Anne, may the memories you encounter in time bring you peace.
Anne: Do treasure the happy memories!
I hope to see you at the Cathedral at Christmas.
Patty. ( Ann Dushane’s mother)
Thanks so much, Patty. I expect to be there.
All my sympathy on your loss. I hope your return to the city you love (as do I) will bring some comfort.
Some years ago when our son was working at the OECD we came to Paris several times during school vacations to take care of our grandson—then 3 years old. The American Library was a favorite spot.
Wonderful weaving of historic and current information about parks we enjoy, local life, and your own deep open heart. We are so missing. Charlie, and know too he is with all in the mist amazing way. Missing you in Virginia, and so happy you are in Paris, a city we love. Thank you for this post and photos🙏
Thanks so much, Sheila.
The older lady with her caregiver, the guy with the plant, the fallen tree– I feel like I’m there with you.
Many thanks!
Sorry to hear about Charlie.
What a lovely piece Anne! Paris is caring for you.
What a great way to put it!
Thanks, Anne. Wishing you a time with supportive community even as you face the glaringly empty place for your husband.
Nice to stroll in a Parisian park when so much news is about the burning and violence on the streets.
Many thanks
My condolences, and happy for you that Paris offers you wonderful memories of Charlie and comfort. When reading your blog I feel as if I am walking along beside you experiencing the city. One blog I particularly remember was during covid when you and your daughter walked through the empty city streets. Somehow despite the severity of the virus the city still held its charm. Thank you for this blog and for sharing with your readers. I truly appreciate it.
Thank you, I really appreciate that.
My husband I lived in Paris from 2008- 2011. My husband was a volunteer at ALP. We both really enjoyed working with Charlie. He taught us a lot about Paris! He will be greatly missed. We are so sorry for your loss. Hopefully, we will see you at the ALP Book Award in a couple of weeks.
I really enjoy your blog. Reading it always feels like being back in Paris!
Dan and Laura Huehn
Many thanks, I’m so glad you met him!
Beautiful
Thanks so much, Wanda
Thanks for sharing.
Wife back from Paris last night, after a week celebrating with 7 women whom she spent junior year abroad in Tours 50 years ago. Her 70th birthday present to herself.
I got back a week ago.
Wish we four could have had that dinner in Paris.
Best,
Doug Grover PEA’69
Thanks for sharing this beautiful piece, Anne. Your husband was so blessed to have you.
Thank you so much, Steve!
So fun. You’re back Anne! Love the pictures and your thoughts. I hear you on schlepp part of travel. To Portland OR is only worth it when we see the fam at long last. Headed back Wednesday for the quiet life and my little studio. So good your writing about your feelings- you are so very strong and courageous. Love ya!
Many thanks, dear friend.
Hang in there, Ann e! Keep writing. Love and loss. I look forward to giving you a big hug in March!
Xxxxxx
See you soon!
Your adjustment to returning home to Paris without Charlie was beautifully displayed in your writings. The park visit was the medicine that you needed, with each encounter there. I particularly liked your last photo, and the quip from Charlie…..be strong and continue your walks in the parks and the city of light. Peace, my friend.
Warren
So many thanks, Warren.
Thank you, Anne, for sharing your gift of great memories with Charlie with all of us. All these great places are a gift to me, because I dont recall having been lucky enough to visit them. My trips to Paris were usually the tourist express ones! Take care and smile through the tears for the gift of those terrific memories.
Thanks so much, Lana. You need to come back!
Welcome back to Paris, Anne. I am sure the waves of grief will come and go, but your idea of taking a walk in the park was a good one. Would love to see pictures like these over the seasons! I may also need to reconsider my wardrobe when out walking, I think I am missing the boots!
Thanks, Janet. You can always buy them!
Thank you Anne. I feel like I was there with you. All the best.
Pat
She is the City of Light in so many ways. Brava to you for writing about this terribly painful time with such délicatesse.
Thanks so much, fellow Paris blogger.